The big D.
No one in this part of their life wants to think about divorce. I just don't really have a choice because my parents divorced when I was seven years old, and I am a statistic. I read somewhere yesterday (no, I didn't keep the website for reference, who do you think I am?) that the divorce rate is 40-50%. If you parents divorced, it goes up another 50%. And apparently, if your parents got re-married, it goes up another 75%.
If I do my math correctly, which I usually don't, does that meant that my changes of getting divorced are... pretty damn close to 100%? Eff you statistics, not only are you skewed and scary, you require me to think and therefore confuse me.
Statistics aside, here is the way I see it. It's not about numbers or about daddy issues or fear of abandonment. It's simply this one stark reality that I have known ever since I was eight years old: love is not infallible.
This way that I feel about BF right now, the excitement I feel for spending the rest of my life with him, the sickness in my stomach at the thought of him leaving, my parents and everyone else feels this when they get married. And 50% of them get divorced.
I moved with my brother, mom, and stepdad to Northern Virginia from New York when I was eleven. It changed a lot of things in my life, honestly most of them for the better. I had to spend summer's with my dad, and winter break. I didn't get to wake up in my own bed on Christmas morning and spend it with my mom. My dad remarried a young woman with a baby and had three more children with her. So, I have one brother. But I have two half brothers, a half sister, and a stepsister who live far away. When I reclaimed my summers, when I got Christmas back. It was victory. No more spending my three months of freedom away from my own friends and my own stuff. I actually got to wake up on Christmas morning with my mom. Christmas is still hard, but I still cling very hard to those things that I get to control as an adult. I don't have to go anywhere for any amount of time that I don't want to. I was actually able to claim a little bit of that stability that was taken away from me as a child and close the schism that shook my childhood. My life is mine now, not a custody situation.
BF's parents are not divorced, though they both had first marriages. He has lived in the same house with the same parents his whole life. He and his mom and his dad all have the same last name. These are things that are very important to me because I didn't have them. Two homes, two Christmas, four parents... some times more is not always better. There are a lot of things that he doesn't understand and a lot of things he can't. But he knows my strengths and weaknesses and where I stand on a lot of things. I cannot imagine what is like to be him watching me deal with these things, watching me be a little bit different in a lot of ways.
As much as he has no idea what it's like to be a child of divorce, I have no idea what it's like not to be.
When I was in high school I was very angsty, very scared, and incredibly insecure with who I was and my life. Everyone has these problems in high school, I just have a reason. It even went into my early college years, it affected my ability to have boyfriends and I was pretty much settled on the fact that I would be alone.
When BF and I first met, he liked me. And maybe I liked him, too, but I was too scared. He had already gone through so much, I didn't want to hurt him anymore. And I just thought I was too scared to commit. I got over it when I figured out NOT having him now was a million times worse.
And here we are. And although I know that I love him and I want my future to be him, I am still terrified that that will change, because I know that it can. People have tried to tell me that "If you just say that divorce is not an option, it isn't." Words like these shoot from the lips of people who have not lived through a divorce. It's not YOUR fault your parents stayed together, I won't ever say that. But I am different in my mind, in my heart, in ways that I cannot define other than with those words: child of divorce.
And, as far as that statistic that says when your parents remarry your risk of divorce goes up, I don't agree. My mother's marriage to my stepdad has taught me a lot more about marriage than the divorce from my dad did. My mom and stepdad are perfect for each other. They both like a lot of the same things. And even the interests that they don't share, they are willing to do those things with each other. They are all the other person needs and I know they will have each other for a long time. Her re-marriage has made me stronger and made me believe that while love may not be infallible, our ability to love is. And so long as my mom can keep loving - the one who probably was hurt more by the divorce than I was - than I sure as hell can.
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love
I know I'm still love
(Sorry, I couldn't help it)
In any case, having two sets of parents, one of whom is far away and not really involved in my life has added another level of stress to wedding planning as it has to marriage. Who will walk me down the aisle? Who will dance with me? Who will do this? Who will do that? I know who my real parents are, but that won't stop some of my actions from hurting feelings of others.
All I have wished for in life is peace. To be left to my own devices to control my own life. I am a peacekeeper. I will not stand up for myself if it means keeping the peace. I know that this is a flaw of mine, and I deal. But honestly, it hurts me. Anytime I have to deal with anything regarding this division of my life, it hurts me.
I can just hope for my kids that they won't have to make these hard decisions and discover these rough truths at the young ages that I had to.
And for my life? I just hope I get to share it with BF forever. I hope we have a strong marriage so my kids will know what one looks like, so they can be strong. But also for me. I want to love him just to love him, to be with him. My children will go off, will find love for themselves, and I just want them to leave me with my true love.
Any other children of divorce? How is it affecting your wedding? Any one who is marrying a child of divorce who can give me some insight of what it's like on the other side?
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